If it's important, they will call back.

Let this be a lesson to those of you who think everything is so important that you must take the call while driving your car.

Heaven help you if I ever discover you're the one who rang my landline at 4:30 this morning.

I know what I want for Christmas.

Statement of the day.

It's facsinating how even 20/20 vision is fuzzy.

That's two.

I've run over two squirrels with my car.

I hit the first one several years ago. It was sitting in the middle of the lane on a two-lane side street. Most squirrels sense the car's vibrations well in advance and run out of the way. This one just sat there. There was oncoming traffic so I couldn't swerve, and besides, I thought the squirrel would get out of the way. There was traffic behind me so stopping hard was not an option. My front bumper knocked it out.

I hit the second one today. It was zigzagging in my (the left) lane, which was on a four-lane street that sits on the entrance to a freeway. There was a median on my left, and traffic on my right and behind me, so swerving or stopping was again not an option. This one was clearly spooked by all the traffic swirling around and could not decide where to go. I felt a bump as my front right tire dispatched it.

I've never managed to run over a bird. They get away in time. Why can't the squirrels?

Avocado adoration

In all the years I've been shopping, there, I've never realized there is such thing as a Costco-sized avocado. This is mostly because I've shied away from buying five or more avocadoes at a time.

They're fantastic. Today's was gigantic, perfectly ripe with none of the weird brown streaks, and the flesh wasn't disappointingly thin close to the stone. The peel flaked off a bit, but not too badly. The flesh was buttery, savory, and a gorgeous shade of green. It didn't need the drizzle of salad dressing. Come to think of it, nearly all avocadoes and tomatoes I purchase suffer the same fate. They're eaten out of hand with a little dressing. Few ever make it to any sort of recipe.

The avocadoes are imported from Chile. I know, the planet will die as a result. However, the quality far surpassed that of the locally grown fruit. I'm all for reducing food miles, but it's disappointing to have to make such drastic tradeoffs in quality.

Gripes.

I've been sick twice this year. That is, I've been sick twice since January 1, 2008. It is now February.

The first round was just a cold and was relatively mild. It only needed a little pseudophedrine, although I was cranky enough to wrestle any meth-heads for it if it came down to that.

The second round I think was the flu. I caught it at the end of January, a mere week after I got over the first round. Is it a cold, or is it the flu? I couldn't eat properly for a week and lost two pounds as a result. With the flu, I've always assumed one cannot keep much food down. In this situation, I couldn't get it down in the first place. Does that qualify? Textures and flavors of any sort were causing a problem. Rice soaked in soup wouldn't go down. A few bits of English muffin with a little jam did, except I had to call it quits after half the muffin. I've only just added junk food back to my diet.

At any rate, I've got a lingering cough that only flares up when I speak or inhale steam or a strong scent. It doesn't surface when I sleep. I love sleep.

They say if your cough lingers more than a week, it's bronchitis and your should seek professional help. (Arguably, we should all seek professional help, but that's for another day.) If that's true, then I must get bronchitis nearly every time I catch a cold. Every time except the first round. I've downed most of the cough syrup and am trying to keep myself off the stuff. It kills the appetite and you lose two pounds as a result.

I mentioned that I love sleep. This is in direct conflict to the current quarter. This week alone demanded five papers. Two were 4-5 pages, one was 5-8 pages, two were 1 page. We have an assignment due Wednesday which I'm pretending to work on. I'm lost in the numbers and despairing because I signed up for two numeric classes next quarter.

Okay, back to work.

Question of the day.

You know what I dislike? People who announce that they're sick and then proceed to rub their hands all over my desk.

Nearly vanquished.

I've only picked up 10 ants today, and there are no discernible trails left. Finally, I can vacuum the corpses from the baseboards and use the mop handle to run a soggy paper towel between the fridge and the cabinet.

The tally so far:

* The spray chemicals, while highly effective, are noxious to humans and therefore not a great options. I will continue to boycott these as long as possible.

* The Raid baits in the teal box don't work. The box touts it contains *two* kinds of food for the ants. Neither of which the ants like, apparently. It's really expensive to boot, at nearly $6 for four.

* The MaxAttack baits in the red box are awesome. The ants love this stuff and die reasonably quickly. They are inexpensive, at about $2 for four.

* The Ortho Ant-B-Gon traps don't work, according to my pals. Good thing, too, as they are on the pricey side.

* The Raid outdoor stakes may or may not be working. They are not too expensive, at about $9 for six. They live outside, so I'm not too concerned about them.

* The tube bait is going back to the store. I don't like the idea of leaving open bait indoors.

* The clear containers of liquid bait looked incredibly cool. It's a pity they don't actually lure the ants inside, because it would be neat to see drowned ants *inside* the container. They are expensive, at about $5 for four. I bet they don't work.

The ants must die, or why I dislike Woody Allen.

The ants have returned. They are the resilient Argentine variety, the kind with no natural predators except humans. Right now I've got 15 bait stations scattered around my kitchen, a bottle of Windex on standby, and I've taken to walking around the kitchen on paper towels so I can squash the little vermin with my toe when necessary. I spent an hour last night scrubbing down the baseboards with said Windex.

The ants responded by creating an even bigger path from the patio door to the refrigerator, swarming four of the bait stations, and stepping around the rest. I hope this means some of the bait took. I know from experience the sprays are a highly effective neurotoxin, both to the ants and to humans. I'd rather not use them.

I also know from experience that homemade remedies involving honey bait and borax poison do not work. Why? Because Argentine ants are not attracted by sugar. Given sugar, they will swarm it, for sure. They will also swarm water, Windex, Orange-Glo, Pine-Sol, diluted dish soap, bait stations, dead wasps, their newly fallen siblings, dust bunnies, and refrigerators.

The last case happened when I was in grad school. The fridge was particularly old, and the ants particularly mutant. One rainy day, the ants decided to swarm the fridge but none of the food on the counter. The fridge had old seals and so the ants got in. The resulting scene resembled http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Minard.png if you turn the image on its side, picture the freezer on the skinny side on top, and the band made entirely of well-chilled ants.

I spent days shaking the frozen corpses off the peas.

Anyways, the movie "Antz" is all about the survival of the current ant colony thanks to Woody Allen's ant character's neuroses. Forget that. I wish the entire colony would die off and leave my kitchen alone.

Bummed out

They've stopped making Robitussin Cough and Cold liqui-gels.

I am extremely bummed out about this. They were my drug...uh, pharmaceutical...of choice. They were the only thing that worked. Boy howdy, did they work. They sealed up the sniffles and stopped the coughs all in one go, without the nasty taste of cough syrup. They were definitely worth putting my name on that hit list they demand at the pharmacy counter.

Mucinex-D doesn't contain the same active ingredient. It's got pseudophedrine and an expectorant, which is not what I want. I'll hawk a big loogie some other time. I just need to get rid of the coughs (or rather, I will later this week).

So I had to settle for Advil Cold & Sinus (for the pseudophedrine) and a separate bottle of Robitussin Cough Gels (for the cough suppressant). Although it's not the same, I still would have beaten down any meth-head in the parking lot for my pseudophedrine. I need it more than they do.

And for goodness' sake peel the ginger

The skin is nasty to eat. At least wash it before you use it. You don't know where it's been and who else handled it before you, so why would you toss it in the pot as is like the guys on TV do?

Criminy.

Why they're all ripoffs of Cook's Illustrated.

Or, why I post no Chinese recipes.

The Cook's recipes are by far the clearest and easiest to use. Because things are spelled out so well, it's easy to see where you can substitute different ingredients, even if it's not called for.

I don't make stuffed tomatoes or cookies every day, you know. But you would be disappointed with my recipes for Chinese dishes. Case in point:

Braised Chinese Mustard Greens

1 bag Chinese mustard greens (gai choy) (1 bag is the minimum unit they'll sell me)
1 piece (not the entire thing, but enough so the cashier doesn't think you're cheap) ginger, peeled and sliced (Or chunked. The point is no mincing and no paper-thin slices.)
water to cover bottom of pot
dash salt

1. Trim and wash the mustard greens.
2. Find a pot big enough for the greens. Cover the bottom with water and add the salt and ginger. Boil the water.
3. Turn the heat down to medium. Add the greens and cover. Cook until done.

I mean really, there's not much to it.

Stuffed Cherry Tomatoes

Adapted from a Cook's Illustrated recipe.

1 dry pint cherry tomatoes
4 oz goat cheese (most of a TJ log)
6 kalamata olives, rinsed and chopped
1 tbl capers, rinsed and chopped
2 tbl fresh parsley, chopped
drizzle of olive oil

1. Mix the cheese, olives, capers, and parsley. Add enough oil so the mixture holds together.
2. Take the tops off the cherry tomatoes and scoop out their guts. For me, this involved a really small spoon and getting up to my elbows in tomato guts.
3. Spoon the cheese into the tomatoes. I wound up using only half the cheese.

Pros:
* This recipe would be tastier if I had 2 tablespoons olive tapenade, as specified in the original recipe, on hand instead of the capers and olives.
* The cheese is nice on toast.

Cons:
* I thought it could use more olive and less caper. That's what I get for running out of olives.
* I detected a "fishy" taste, which was confirmed by one other person.
* Another person couldn't detect the fishiness, but thought the goat cheese rather strong.
* Gutting a dry pint of cherry tomatoes is surprisingly hard work. Miniature bell peppers would be a better choice as they have a more assertive flavor. However, you'd need to add a squeeze of lemon to the cheese to add a hit of acidity.

Baked egg with tomato.

Adapted from Mark Bittman's NYTimes recipe.

Baked Egg with Tomato

1 egg

tops of 1 pint of cherry tomatoes

dash olive oil, salt, pepper

1. Oil the dish. Preheat the oven to 375.

2. Line the dish with the cherry tomato tops.

3. Salt and pepper the tomatoes.

4. Crack the egg over the tomatoes.

5. Bake, uncovered, for at least 12 minutes. The egg doesn't look done, but believe me, it is. It gets a rubbery layer over the top if you let it go too long. The good news is despite the layer, the yolk turns out almost perfect, which is tough to do in a frying pan. At least it's tough for me.

Note: make sure you use an adorable dish that looks like a tomato. It will take your mind off the fact that you're eating a gazillion cherry tomato tops instead of a proper slice of tomato.

Question of the day.

Have you tried WD-40?

Gingerbread Cookies

Adapted from the recipe on the back of my molasses bottle. This recipe results in cookies that are fairly toothsome. They're not crisp, nor are they soft. If you roll them out fairly thin they start to resemble soft ginger snaps. If you roll them out on the thicker side, they can be a little bit difficult to bite into. However, the result is still not sturdy enough for gingerbread houses.

Well, I like them anyway. They have a black licorice flavor that is not too sweet. If you like sweet, they will take well to icing without becoming overly sweet.

0.75 c each dark molasses, light brown sugar (packed), and butter (1.5 sticks)
1 egg
3 2/3 c flour
1 tbl ground ginger
2 tsp ground cinnamon
1 tsp baking powder
0.5 tsp each allspice and baking soda

1. Boil the molasses, sugar, and butter on medium heat. While the mixture cools, measure and blend the dry ingredients.
2. Add the beaten egg to the molasses mixture. Mix the wet ingredients into the dry until well combined.
3. Wrap and chill the dough at least 1 hour.
4. My dough needed additional massaging to become pliable and cohesive enough to roll. Roll it out 1/8" to 1/4" thick and go nuts with the cookie cutter.
5. Bake at 350F for 12-14 minutes, until the edges start to brown. That is, they turn browner than the dough already is.

Makes 32 large bears, 12 large stars, 15 small stars, and one round splodge.

Mmm...

Cheese lasagna freezes beautifully. Sliced portions reheat to an unattractive puddle of sauce, noodles, and cheese, but then, all lasagna does that, except for the comercially made ones. It tastes just fine. If you're hungry enough, it really doesn't matter what it looks like, now, does it?

Here's my recipe. It comes courtesy of Cook's Illustrated. Note the emphasis on where I shop.

Cheese Lasagna (billed as Simple Cheese Lasagna, but I never ever go for complicated recipes)

15 oz ricotta cheese = 1 tub from Trader Joe's.
1.25 c grated parmesan cheese. I use preshredded.
0.5 c basil, minced
1 egg, beaten
0.5 tsp each salt, pepper
2 jars marinara sauce. I use the no-salt added kind from TJ.
12 no-boil lasagna noodles. Thank goodness TJ started carrying these.
1 lb shredded mozzarella = 1 bag preshredded.

1. Set oven to 375F with rack in the middle.
2. Mix ricotta, 1 c parmesan, basil, egg, salt, and pepper until it forms a squidgy mass.
3. First layer: 0.25 c sauce in your 9x13 baking dish, then 3 noodles, then 1 spoon of ricotta onto each noodle. Smoosh out the cheese over the noodle. Scatter 1/4 of the mozzarella over everything.
4. Second and third layers: 1.5 c sauce, 3 noodles, 1 spoon ricotta smooshed on each noodle, 1/4 of the mozzarella. This uses up all the ricotta.
5. Fourth layer: noodles first, then rest of the sauce, then last of the mozzarella, then last of the parmesan.
6. Oil a sheet of foil and use to cover the pan tightly. Bake, covered, 15 minutes.
7. Uncover and bake 25 minutes more.
8. Let sit a few minutes then eat.

Weekend recap.

The long-rise, no-knead bread has a nice crust but a dense interior which is not to my liking. After reading Cook's Illustrated revision of the NY Times no-knead recipe, I think the dense interior could be rectified with a little kneading, a hotter baking method, more yeast, and a warmer rise cycle. I won't be revisiting this, because I abhor kneading (why else would I go for a no-knead recipe), don't have a Dutch oven suitable for the hotter baking method, and am unwilling to crank up the heat anywhere in my kitchen for a warmer rise.

I did not bake the gingerbread after all. Instead, I went for a modification of the gingerbread cookie recipe printed on the back of the molasses bottle. Instead of 1/4 tsp nutmeg, I used 1/2 tsp allspice, because I refuse to buy yet another bottle of rarely-used spice. Also, I used butter instead of margarine, because margarine is evil. I like the cookies and hope the stars stay fresh until C's birthday on Sunday. I don't know if other people will like the cookies. I used the dark molasses, which gives the cookies a Black Vine licorice flavor. I like Black Vines, but not everybody does. Also, the cookies must remain uniced. After spending the time to massage the dough into something more pliable, I didn't feel like making and applying a glaze.

In the non-baking department, I also made braised Chinese mustard greens. Mostly because I needed a vegetable and those were on sale.

My fridge is wonky and I don't know how to fix it. The main cabin is the correct temperature. However, all of the drawers are at or below freezing temperature. Cranking up the temperature using the little buttons causes everything to get warmer, so much so that the main cabin approaches an unsafe temperature. In the meantime, the drawers stay a good five degrees colder. Sigh.

But will it insure accurate service?

I started a subscription to the Wall Street Journal a couple weeks ago because it's required reading for my next class. Normally I prefer to read my news online and I strongly prefer not to have to pay for access, which is why I didn't have a subscription earlier.

In Saturday's paper my delivery man included a card asking for his annual tip. I've never known anybody who tips their delivery man, partly because I know very few people who actually get a newspaper delivered.

I don't know what the protocol is. A couple bucks? What if you've only been getting the paper a couple weeks, and only intend to for another quarter?

And what if during those couple of weeks, I haven't actually received my own newspaper? On the days when I received the WSJ, I received my neighbors'. Or rather, somebody in my neighborhood. I didn't actually go to their houses to try to swap the papers, because the odds were good that 1) they weren't home and 2) they hadn't received my paper. It's not like I can call the WSJ to complain, as they have no control over the delivery man.

Over the weekend, I received both the WSJ and the Mercury News. This is baffling because I never ordered the Mercury News. The MN doesn't have address labels so I don't know if I'm getting a neighbor's paper or a surplus. It's not like I can call the MN to complain, because they probably don't know I'm receiving their paper in the first place.

Today, I got the MN only. This is a pity, because I really only want the WSJ.

I could send in the card with a note, but then, I might as well ask the delivery man to put more dents in my garage door while he's at it.

Question of the day.

Dear Guy In the Next Cube,

Would you like a lozenge? You've been clearing your throat and sniffling for the last hour.