Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The ants must die, or why I dislike Woody Allen.

The ants have returned. They are the resilient Argentine variety, the kind with no natural predators except humans. Right now I've got 15 bait stations scattered around my kitchen, a bottle of Windex on standby, and I've taken to walking around the kitchen on paper towels so I can squash the little vermin with my toe when necessary. I spent an hour last night scrubbing down the baseboards with said Windex.

The ants responded by creating an even bigger path from the patio door to the refrigerator, swarming four of the bait stations, and stepping around the rest. I hope this means some of the bait took. I know from experience the sprays are a highly effective neurotoxin, both to the ants and to humans. I'd rather not use them.

I also know from experience that homemade remedies involving honey bait and borax poison do not work. Why? Because Argentine ants are not attracted by sugar. Given sugar, they will swarm it, for sure. They will also swarm water, Windex, Orange-Glo, Pine-Sol, diluted dish soap, bait stations, dead wasps, their newly fallen siblings, dust bunnies, and refrigerators.

The last case happened when I was in grad school. The fridge was particularly old, and the ants particularly mutant. One rainy day, the ants decided to swarm the fridge but none of the food on the counter. The fridge had old seals and so the ants got in. The resulting scene resembled http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Minard.png if you turn the image on its side, picture the freezer on the skinny side on top, and the band made entirely of well-chilled ants.

I spent days shaking the frozen corpses off the peas.

Anyways, the movie "Antz" is all about the survival of the current ant colony thanks to Woody Allen's ant character's neuroses. Forget that. I wish the entire colony would die off and leave my kitchen alone.

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